Friday, July 2, 2010

Relieve my... impurity.

7:41 PM

just like so many other nights, i spent another wondering what ill do tomorrow.
How much longer do we have to suffer under this enormous weight?
thinking about whats going to happen when things change is frightening..
thinking about me blaming it all on him some day is dis-hearting..
how much longer do we have to carry this dead load..

He was angry..his usually calm eyes were filled with fury... a silent storm..his posture screaming a suppressed desire to destroy me..
he was breath taking..

after uttering my bittersweet words his face was priceless..
it was a pure expression of being aghast..
well, atleast taking a peek caused me a good amount of malevolence.

how much longer do i have to wait..
for these feeling to go away..
these feelings that i will never understand..
how much longer do i have to carry this enormous weight?
pretending to be sweet and innocent, pretending i know, pretending i want more..
pretending to understand, this will corrupt me.
it myt kill me.
how much longer do i have to drag this dead weight?

reality seems to be a nice way of saying tragedy.
people are vain and cruel.
i bought a suckers dream... a corny con job. there is no love, its just a nightmare.
life sucks and then you die, no matter how much you think you are in love and you would die for that cause... the truth is every one ends up ALONE!
ooookay lloosing control.
but still... there is no such thing as happy endings.

but when it comes ryt down to it. i think my friend was ryt..
once everything had calmed down and my head was clear i knew what i had to do..
i knew it as soon as she said it but i didnt like it so i refused to accept it.
but... if i was going to have to suffer forever then i wanted just one moment.. to.. .
but this is all ll tell you.. when you see a person with blank eyes.. and pretentious smiles, the person you know is fake.. just like the boy i knew was fake (even if i didnt think his smile was pretentious.) when his sister told me this, i didnt understand it, her calmness left me numb.. that i didnt know anything about his true self. but i know now.. i guess i do.
but im just his type.. a heartless bitch.


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Sunday, May 23, 2010

Listen

11:24 AM

i shouted.. seemd heartless.. i cried out.. it was wordless.. now ill just keep listening to this hopeless world..

i DONT remember you.. I dont WANT to remember you. I dnt evn remember your face anymore..
with all my memories washed away.

Keep trying to find the reason for me living. i ran out of survival.
come to think of it, was i ever loved?

i will never try to find my way to you.
slowly turning my sorrow into strength.. i will reach my destiny, as another day goes by.. i live another day just waiting to die.

I want to be there in the stream of eternity, just to know what it feels like to be alive

my wounds wont heal. i wont wipe my own tears, ill just go crazy.

i forgot why i loved you in the first place.. there was a reason i suppose.i will never try to find you.

will the future me be laughing at this post?

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Saturday, May 22, 2010

premonition

2:49 PM

This is just the front and even now
Im just toying with you 
you dont catch on to a love
freezing in minus tempratures.

To a wordless you with wordless love,
i give wordless discomfort
for a wordless me with a quiet love,
a wordless scar

Youre the eighteenth one
you havent caught on to me
ive betrayed with kindness
and iced over love

For quiet you, with quite love,
I kill the quiet comfort,
for quiet me, with quiet love,
a quiet scar.

*unreturning, unreturnable, wordless scar.
quiet, quietly the two of us unentwine.

for a wordless mind, a quiet heart,
I'll turn against your heart.
your heart is wordless, and quiet,
even if i continue toying with your heart.

even if you catch on to me someday,
i'll be fine as long as im by my own side.
i held you for the last tym without know it was the last.

Unreturning unreturnable wordless love
quiet, quietly the two of us unentwine

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Friday, May 21, 2010

I mean reaaly now

5:04 PM

Math is driving me insane and im actually obsessing about it.
why dont i just die
my teacher tells me bunk more classes and i wont give u any extra classses
plus im sufferring big tym
why dont i just die
guy with hair on his chin is driving me insaaaaaaaannnneeeee hes flitting in and out thru my mind, plus that scar.
whatevr
i think
guesso..
don'know,
Im completely broke i think i have to sell some stuff to keep going on. (did i mention there is ANOTHER guy with hir on his chin that reminds me of THE guy with hair on his chin [m*v i know ur laughing ur still staring.])
when my dad comes back i cant do stuf i keep doing and he grounds me NOW so he doesnt have to face the riot later when he comes back... he's still facing the riot.
chacha gets all the power all of a sudden because dads gone. i mean im a kid but this CONTROLLING is getting on my nervs. its not like i do anything HARMFULL... anymore.... pfft!
im being a spoiled brat....... ....

Im getting rat phobia somehow. their are rats in my cousins home. RATS. i hate rats. istepped on one this one tym. it didnt die.. amazing.




WWWHHHYY dont i just die... i mean.. if god cared more i wudve threatend him.. "god make my life easier or else ill kill myself.. and keep burning in hell and going thru the same pain ovr and ovr again.. wont it hurtt you?? your child burning and suffering??"

hell who am i kidding if i had more faith he'd probably make my life better.. i think.

i wont die now tho. still got loads of boredom to face.. much more mind rambling.. much more of signing papers and math. much more of mum and my sistr.
i hope this ends soon tho,, shit i hate being so emo.
i wud ramble on and on but i guess m going to die in a more realistic fashion.. sleep. if i can manage it.

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The cycle

1:53 AM

Some people give, some steal and some take and some need, others change and some dont, Some destroy some make, some want power others want money some want bliss and some want strength. now i just have to figure out what i want...

Destinies and honour and all of that. I guess you never realy know what your destiny is. And people are always looking for honour or looking to regain it. Maybe the most important thing is doing the right thing. but what the hell is the right thing in the first place?

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Friday, November 13, 2009

2:18 PM

GYAAAAAAAAAAAAI! On friday the 13th i poured water on my computer. TT__T Any other people with bad luck around here? sobsob* Everything inside it dies. the motherboard the RAM. EVERYTHAAAANNGG!!!!
And now I'm using other peoples PC how embarresing! Jeez and you know what ELSE happend. I lost a tendr AND my moms driving me insane because of some darn paper and my dad constantly reminding me what a dissapointment I am! But I gotta admitr this pc is nice... what was it again... aahhh HP pavillion entertainment pc! dv4 series. Jeez i hope dad gets me this one next. AND my cell phone caught cancer.. I mean the display crackd and now its slowly turning black all around. And now im downloading softwares to someone elses computer.. Uhhhh could this get any worse???

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I'mgoingcrazy O.O

12:23 AM

Today is one of those days when reality hits me squarely in the face. It makes me speech-less and dizzy. It makes me want to cry and it makes me want to smile. It slits my writs and it suffocates me. It makes me go weak at knees. It makes me want to howl at the top of my lungs.
Aaand it makes me want to take relaxants!

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